/JOURNAL 0.01 . . .
return?
april 7, 2022

So, I left this site unattended for a while. A lot happened.
Mainly, I have lost all my motivation to keep my projects going, including this site. But I'm slowly starting to gain it back since I dropped out of school temporarily. Looking to see where the future brings me. Other than that, I don't really have much to say other than I'm gonna start working on the site again. I've been working on my game and other projects I have, it's been keeping me entertained alongside playing videogames. I'm currently playing Library of Ruina since I hadn't really finished it. It's fun but also very hard, I also had an unexpected comeback of a friend in my life - but also have been having weird episodic bouts of what you could call psychosis. It's like, I start thinking irrational things and become unable to form sentences. Very awkward because I start getting persecutory beliefs that everyone is out to get me... Do my classmates still talk about me now that I've left? I honestly don't care, apathy has been consuming me until I explode in a shower of emotions sporadically every month or two.

I mean, there's not really a LOT to say but a lot has sure happened in my personal life, nothing I can really put here other than being involved with e-people and thinking back at my life. What a mess.

I really hope things get better.

december 29, 2021

Almost new years...my head hurts a little bit, but I'll still try to work on the website and put out some writing. So here's a little story and some events to go with it.
I was a very troubled kid, which would nowadays be attributed to autism, but in the early 2000's- it was even more highly stigmatized than it is now. I didn't get my diagnosis until a little after my 18th birthday, even though I kind of always knew I had it. Something me and my best friend have agreed on- autism makes traumatizing events even more hurtful. Your sensitivity to people's actions and words is heightened, and you start overanalyzing everything a person does- so when bad things do happen, they feel even worse. That's been a lesson I've learned after having to deal with such intense emotions for most of my life, not only attributed to autism but also to Borderline Personality Disorder; the self destructive type. Lately I've been emotionless, unfeeling aside from slight positive feelings, I think I've only cried once in these two months; which was because of the Psychonauts 2 ending a few hours ago.

Back to the main topic, me being a "behaviorally challenged" kid in a private school in Mexico brought forth many problems, though I am actually really thankful for my elementary school principal and teachers for trying to help me even through my violent outbursts. Being told your entire life that your feelings were bad, that they were way too much- leads you to close them off. And at this point I think it's for good, even though I know it's okay to feel things. But I'm just empty and unable to feel them anymore. I've always hated having feelings- It's no coincidence my life has been so good these past 6 months now that I've closed off my brain from feeling disturbed, or sad, or angry. I just feel nothing when I'm not feeling happy. Sometimes I get sad but it doesn't mean anything to me. I feel like everything that's in my head, every disorder I have and every incident that's gone on in my life has made me an empty shell of a person. I am unaware of who I am, I can't recognize myself, I feel like I am putting up a different stage costume everyday- each costume I put on different depending on what the situation needs. Has anyone ever felt this shattered and unaware of their own ego?

I don't even view myself as human, if I was...why do I feel nothing writing this? I can just go on with my day, and brush off these thoughts and just keep going like life is an act. And to me, it is. I am like an actor in my own movie, and everything that happens is meaningless at the end but I am just unable to care about that too, so I keep putting up the facade of being the best possible person I can be and keep the troubled past parts of myself left behind and locked deep within my brain. It doesn't matter what happened to me or who I am, my actions matter more than anything to me- and if I'm making others happy in any way possible and making myself happy, then everything is fine.

Anyways Psychonauts 2 was really good guys.
december 12, 2021

You ever realize you aren't a good learner until someone is actually teaching you something in a highly controlled professional setting? Because I just realized that. I've been thinking of making a page for my poetry and writing and I think I would put it in the media page to replace the broken games link. Otherwise I've been fine, been working on my game and spent like 3 hours trying to figure how to do javascript only to give up because I wanted to do a chapter selection screen only to completely scrap the concept. I'm so much more calm now that my exams are over and I can finally start working on the website and on keeping things updated again, plus with christmas coming soon and an entire month of vacaiton time from university I have tons of time to work on my personal projects, now that days have been getting longer.

Ever notice that, that days get longer during this age? Maybe they get shorter when you're an actual, responsible grown adult. But I am only 19 so days still feel pretty long, I can get so much done in just 1 day, that the thought of anything spanning more than a day and over a year is terrifying to me. When I think of my career being around 3 years, it terrifies me because anything could happen in those 3 years. The good thing is I have lots to keep me entertained while I wait for my timely demise, in fact I joined two proyects at my university, one by a guy I really wanna be friends with named Leo. He's cool and the proyect is a nichijou style and biblically accurate angel cosmic horror amalgamation. Reminds me a lot of my own game...and interests. So of course I had to join it as one of the rough animators. Very exciting stuff ^_^

For context- I'm thinking of starting my own proyects myself aside from my game, and whenever I see something that has my kind of touch I always go crazy, deranged & mental. Ever since I finished that picrew I've been on a roll with my proyects, updating them and finishing as many as I can- I was one of the actual few people to get a good score on the animation exam, alongside being one of the ppl w the highest grades in class aside from anatomy class because if I'm being honest my extreme stylization of my personal art transfers to the more medical kind of drawings I have to do for that. And well. The professor really doesn't like that LOL.

I kind of just rambled on about school and art and life etc but I want to leave some pictures that have described this week like always! Here they are:
november 16, 2021

I'm typing this from an university computer, so no funny images to post this time around. Some updates, I've been practicing my writing lately and might make a page someday for my poems and other musings, since I think it's something other people would enjoy. Other than that, I've been busy with university, nothing much to talk about other than how I've been working on art and looking towards starting testosterone this christmas. It's going to a great motivation to keep on.

I have improved quite a lot art-wise, and I'm excited to post some more of my drawings to my art gallery. I might fix it a little bit and crop the images so that the drawings aren't all scretched out. Plans for the future of this website are a bit vague, but there's still tons I need to do! Now that I've been cutting toxic people out of my life, I'm excited to see where things go. On another note, I've been feeling vain lately, but also going through a depressive episode....maybe both depressive and manic, it's kind of odd, because I love myself but I also hate myself and these contradicting beliefs are fighting each other in my mind like two babies clawing at each other For. Real.
september 12, 2021

hey, so i haven't really been here. i started university and have been busy with that, been doing lots of art and currently playing final fantasy 7. i have new friends, too, both irl and online. life's been nice so far, only time will tell where things go. i mean, i really was wondering: is there a point in forgiving everyone? i forgave one of my exes about 1-2 weeks ago, and we are friends again currently. as much hurt as i went through, i can't bring myself to hate others no matter what i do. i wish i was better at so many other things so i could distract myself and be productive instead of going through the same 3 different ideas of what to do in my head, not finishing any of them, and then walloping in my own past. it's exhausting but also is there any point in caring? everyday is the same, but there's nothing inherently wrong about that. i feel happy, really.

i feel like i'm finally getting a taste of what it means to be free of worries, even if my own issues and problems are still there clawing at me, it truly does feel like i can finally breathe relatively well. i don't need anyone to make me happy, i don't need to depend on anyone because i write my own story at the end of the day. and i want that story to bring hope to others that they can grow past their traumatic experiences and grow to be remembered people, at least i hope that's the legacy i will leave on. it might be idealistic or optimistic but there's no shame in that.

well, goodbye for what's probably another month!

august 3, 2021

my tablet pen is coming tomorrow, which means i can finally start drawing again. i was thinking this: does it really matter if someone hates you and doesn't understand why you did what you did? are the feelings i'm experiencing simply nostalgia for someone who doesn't exist anymore? i've been doing spins in my head over my past situation over and over and over, and i cannot for the love of me figure out what i did that i haven't apologized for. but at the end of the day, it's no use missing people who won't give you a second chance and weren't good friends to begin with. sure, you're hurt, and it's painful that i have no memory of what i did. but how am i suppossed to apologize for something i have no connection to in my mind because i'm unable to remember it? it's almost as if i blacked out completely from alcohol and i woke up and suddenly i had sent 20 messages to my ex. god if that situation isn't similar to what happened but with a dissociative disorder thrown on top.

at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what i did because the reaction was extreme and unwarranted for people i thought genuinely cared about me. and as much as it upsets me, i have to get over it and move on, because some things are so broken that they cannot be fixed, and you didn't even know they were broken in the first place so you couldn't fix them in time. life is beautiful and no matter what happens it goes back and repeats and moves and the world spins around, change is a constant that i just have to get adapted to - the realization that nothing lasts forever.
july 30, 2021

hi! so i haven't posted here in a while, but here's an update: dennys is gone now but i made my own server, somehow my relationship with my ex got worse. i've been mostly playing videogames and i got all achievements in terraria, now working on all achievements on plague inc. unfortunately most things got worse but also better in a way, i have new friends now and things seem to be looking up. but anyways, ive been listening to lots of $waggot recently as my breakup songs and i find it really funny. its hilarous really, because im so funny and sexy and epic and awesome and perfect and i think swaggot should hire me to write his songs. anyways look at this:
june 6, 2021

trigger warning again
it's been the worst days of my life lately, i don't want to say what happened but ive gone into full blown depression. genuinely feels like there's nothing in life for me anymore. i wish i could die. i want to be dead. everything feels hopeless. i don't see a future for me. it feels like my heart's been shattered into a million broken pieces which will never be fixed or put together ever again. i thought i was going to be ok and heal and feel better but it's just gotten worse. i'm not happy anymore, i don't think i'll ever be truly happy again. i feel so, so empty that it hurts and aches and my whole body burns and my brain is buzzing.

i had to go to the park with mom yesterday because i couldn't sleep and needed fresh air. i just sobbed, even when she told stories about my childhood. it makes me feel worse because i don't feel anything and i don't feel like that person is me, as if i'm completely dissociated from everything in my life. mybrain feels like it's got a brain injury or that my ego's been torn apart. i might relapse on drugs again after i'm able to get my first testosterone shot. probably will never happen so i'm just gonna relapse again. hopefully i will get enough brain damage that i'll be unable to think a coherent thought ever again, i'd be happier that way, i might as well get lobotomized.

well, goodnight.

may 18, 2021

massive trigger warning
feel so sick , feel like ill never get out of this. i wish i had never been born. everyday is constant abuse and mistreatment and gaslighting from the people who claim they love me. i am being manipulated everyday and i cant do anything about it because im dependent on them financially and emotionally. i get blamed for everything i get blamed for being upset i get blamed for getting hurt i just want to take all my medication at once get a seizure and die. i want to bleed out. i want to be gone. if my boyfriend lived with me hed hate me too. everybody hates me. im gonna try and do something so i dont get even more upset. im just so done. im crying and shaking and i cant fucking deal with this anymore.

may 16, 2021

i feel very annoyed with my current situation where i am unable to work and get money to buy things because im 3 months out of uni. on the plus side i love calling with my friends but my mom calls it not productive. everyday feels the same honestly. just different daily activities usually. im gonna drink a low carb monster rn just to like focus on working and stuff and im going to take a shower a bit later. on another topic i wish i didn't still feel like a teenager because i hate being infantilized it literally pissesme off more than anything. genuinely hate it when people are like "you can't know anything you're 18" and they're like 1 year older than me. genuinely makes me so angry when people treat me like that it makes me feel awful and makes me not want to talk to them. i won't bring it up though im just gonna pretend it's not happening and that everyone doesn't dislike me and find me annoying and loud. i literally am still thinking about being called immature like it's just really upsetting to be told you act younger than you are. i'm genuinely really angry the more i think about this it just makes me never want to say anything again.

genuinely feel like isolating and not talking to anyone lmaoooooo

may 11, 2021

we fixed the situation and now me and my boyfriend are once again in love and i am very happy. just wanted to update the situation :D
may 10, 2021

i had such an awful day but it started off good, for the beginning of the day i genuinely felt ok, i had a nightmare though, though i don't remember what happened in it. i feel incredibly guilty and paranoid and feel like i'm not liked anymore. i just want my feelings to stop. i wish i could never feel again. i wish i was able to numb my emotions with literally anything- but i need to keep a sober streak for my psychiatrist. i watched jay play resident evil though (my boyfriend's childhood friend). i feel like i annoy him a lot. i wish i didn't annoy everyone who got close to me. i wish i didn't annoy people i cared about and made them hate me... i have such an inferiority complex and idk what to do about it, because i genuinely am always saying sorry and feeling bad and guilty. sometimes i feel like i'm undesirable and impossible to deal with, especially because of my bpd.

i don't want to exist in my current form, i wish i was literally anybody else so things wouldn't happen to me and i didn't beg for attention constantly. i'm so loud and obnoxious too. the best i can do is wish and hope that things come true and joke about manifesting things but sometimes i feel like i genuinely can make things happen. not schizophrenic though... but whatever.

may 9, 2021

playing final fantasy all day like, i really have nothing to do in my life ever since i temporarily left university. my dad keeps getting mad at me often and mother's day is tomorrow. i just want to feel like an adult and meet my boyfriend already. we would go to so many places, and i'd let him stay in my airbnb and we'd cuddle while watching movies and kiss and spoon and i'd be so happy and i'd meet jay and we'd play five nights at freddy's in VR and scare the shit out of everyone in denny's (my friend group)... i am literally just so excited to go i can't wait for summer...

tomorrow is mother's day, too. we're probably gonna go eat somewhere. in other news, i have been sober for nearly a month now even with my friend doing 3 lines of coke in front of me. it was kind of funny. therapy has been going well and i'm excited to go on testosterone soon. it might take 2 months but it comes closer everyday. my life is really looking up again. i really hope i get to enjoy my days more often. i had an awful last 2 weeks filled with paranoia and guilty thoughts. but my friends have helped me get through it ( ´ ▽ ` )

here are some pictures that remind me of may so far:
THIS IS THE START OF MY JOURNAL! nothing really interesting in this page, i just wanted to have two pages to start this off, but i will add more as time goes on!
/ABOUT 0.02

welcome to my journal/diary! you will find a log of my very personal, wonderful and perfect thoughts here... and you will enjoy and read them, definetely. here is where i put my word vomit, my deep personal secrets and my everyday rambles. i hope you get a glimpse at my boring existance through this diary.

TW FOR: themes of drugs, trauma, mental health, unreality and general dark topics.